Embracing the Freedom of Chosen Family During the Holidays

For the second consecutive Thanksgiving, I found myself surrounded by the warmth of chosen family members, sharing laughter, games, delicious meals, and visiting the “Annie Leibovitz at Work” exhibit at the Crystal Bridges Museum. Reflecting on this, I’m reminded of the deep connections and authentic relationships that form the foundation of chosen families. It has been a few years since I spent Thanksgiving with my given family. Early on this was due to living in a different state and a very demanding work schedule. However, these early years as well as my more recent experiences have helped me recognize the importance of a chosen family. Over time, I started to realize that some relationships with members of my given family became tedious work. In addition, I found myself reverting to a less authentic version of myself when spending time with some members of my given family. This contrasts with the deep, honest connections I have built with my chosen family. I now choose to foster and work on relationships with both given and chosen family members where I feel accepted, welcomed, and an equal. And I am not alone.

The significance of these connections extends beyond Thanksgiving. Navigating the holiday season without traditional family gatherings has led me to diverse settings, including LGBTQ+ bars or other ‘third places.’ These spaces offer opportunities for connection and conversation with like-minded individuals seeking companionship during festive times. My advice to those embarking on a similar journey is to embrace vulnerability, initiate conversations, and welcome those in search of a chosen family. The opportunity lies in the freedom to spend holidays with newfound friends, creating traditions that resonate with the present moment. 

A chosen (or found) family is one “[constructed] by hand and heart, in an effort to seek out the support and love one’s biological or legal family might not be able to provide,” offering a unique source of support and love beyond what may be available from one’s given family. A chosen family can provide a freedom that can be difficult to receive from a given family. There may be an expectation to ‘go home’ and spend time with extended family members and to be a part of certain traditions, regardless of work schedules or how much you enjoy that time together. Traditions, while valuable, should not dictate the entirety of a relationship. The freedom to choose how, where, and with whom we spend our holidays allows for genuine connections, unbound by obligatory rituals. My chosen family relationships are built on shared experiences, understanding, and acceptance, providing a sense of liberation during the holiday season.

As we approach the year-end festivities, it’s essential to embrace change within our relationships, recognizing that both chosen and given family dynamics evolve. Priorities shift, and as individuals grow, so do the ways and with whom they spend their time. Embracing this transformation allows for a commitment to relationships grounded in genuine connections rather than mere tradition.

For those navigating the holiday season, consider these pieces of advice:

• Choose events that bring you joy
• Don’t hesitate to spend time alone for self-renewal
• Practice self-care with activities you enjoy
• Consider volunteering to connect with the community
• When engaging with LGBTQ+ community members and allies, ask open-ended questions about holiday plans, avoiding assumptions about going “home.”

A chosen family can be someone’s only family – especially within the LGBTQ+ community, where 39% of LGBTQ+ adults have faced rejection. This simple fact emphasizes the need for workplace policies that acknowledge diverse family structures. Employers should foster a culture where employees feel comfortable discussing their family situations and advocate for inclusive family leave and bereavement policies. Additionally, flexible benefits and emergency contact designations can further support employees with chosen families. Embracing the diversity of family experiences contributes to a workplace that values and supports the holistic well-being of its workforce.

In this holiday season, let us celebrate time with family – chosen or given; embrace the change in both chosen and given family dynamics, and cultivate relationships grounded in authenticity. Extend this ethos to the workplace, championing inclusive policies that recognize and support diverse family structures. Together, let us create workplace and personal cultures where family bonds are cherished, not defined solely by blood or legal ties.

Authored by

Dru Holmquist
Pronouns: He/Him/His
Director, President, Board Chairperson